Radio, We Need to Talk

Radio, you know I love you. Even when most people have moved on to customized music experiences I still come back to you. I like the fact that I don't know what's coming next, but if this relationship is to continue, we need to lay some ground rules.

First, country radio, stop playing Big & Rich. While I appreciate the sentiment of "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy," that song is terrible. Big & Rich isn't even a thing anymore...this song should join them in nonexistence.

Next, every radio station ever, stop ruining Adele for me. I adore her, her songs and voice are gorgeous, but guess what?! She has 2 whole albums worth of music. Stop just grabbing a song and playing it until I never want to hear it again. You drilled "Someone Like You" into my skull so hard it has lost all meaning and emotion behind the song; same with "Rolling in the Deep." Now you've turned your obnoxious, dead horse beating on "Set Fire to the Rain" Please stop the madness. I want to love Adele forever and you're making it hard.

Lastly, who decided LMFAO gets to be famous? No one ran it past me. They are terrible. Plus they're taking advantage of the music buying public: "Oh we had one song people liked, now we can just re-release the same song again, but with the word sorry thrown in there." And neither of them are sexy in any way, shape or form. 

These guys lost their dictionary

Please just fix these few things, Radio, and we can get this lovin' back on track.

I Didn't Know This Was a Thing

So, I stumbled upon some pretty alarming websites that prompted me to write this unfunny post instead of writing about the myriad of things I promised, but I really didn't know that angry men had started an "anti-feminism" movement. I understand that there are extremists in every single belief that has ever been a thing people believe in ever. But wow, these dudes are pissed. 


Reading these ridiculous things (and one eloquent article about having absolute beliefs) made me examine my own beliefs about my own brand of "feminism" and human rights in general; I think I've pinpointed my own opinions (not that you care, but I'm gonna tell you about them).

I am pro-choice. Every time. No exceptions. If you aren't pro-choice, then you don't trust women to make their own choices. That's really the bottom line for me. The thing that makes me the angriest is when people use the "it's murder" argument to defend their stance and then turn around and support the death penalty. You're hypocrites and, honestly, that's worse than being pretty much anything else.

I don't think it is any worse to hit a woman than it is to hit a man; I just think everyone should refrain from hitting everyone. Domestic violence is bad no matter who hit who. It's an extremely antiquated notion to tell young boys "we don't hit girls." No, you don't fucking hit anyone and if you do hit someone the punishment should be exactly the same.

I 100% support gay marriage. The fact that this is even an issue is ridiculous. People are people. It does not affect straight person A's marriage when straight person B gets married, so why the fuck would it affect straight person A's marriage if gay person C got married??

I used to be pro death penalty, but after a few years and more research, I can safely say I am against it. People do bad things, kill people even. I'm not saying that is good or should go unpunished, but killing the killer doesn't resurrect the dead (talk to your awesome god about that); it just leaves more dead and more angry, hurt survivors.

I don't hate men. There is this crazy stigma that if you call yourself a feminist you're either a lesbian or bitter about being dumped (which is truly an absurd notion, because "hating men" is not a prerequisite for being a lesbian; liking girls is). I am neither of those things and yet I identify myself as feminist/pro woman; some men do too. These men on these sites are the ones who sound bitter.

I want to tell yous guys the address of the angry, ignorant blog that spawned this kinda heavy blog post, but I really don't want to give them more traffic. They are like the Westboro Baptist Church except with a "God Hates Women" sign instead of a "God Hates Fags" one. These people are other people's parents and that makes me all sad panda because I always thought the Evangelical Christians were the main ones fucking up our youth (I may have seen Jesus Camp like 15 too many times).

I Went to Save-a-Lot Today...

...that about sums it up. I'm usually the world's biggest snob when it comes to places "like that." Think Winn Dixie, Big Lots, Family Dollar. I'm just so judgy.

Anywho, I've been having random snippets of ideas of things to write on here and random events happening that I'd like to type out, but I'm painfully lazy most days (it was a struggle just to stop watching the League to write this). So, today, I'm going to just put the stuff out there and then I'm held accountable for actually writing a post about these things...someday.

*I'm having an identity crisis because of how much I enjoyed the cheapness of my trip to Save-a-Lot.

*Kent came over to get his stuff last night and it went...differently than anticipated (like, real different)

*The Pretty One is coming home again soon and we'll be hanging out...pray for me

* Uncircumcised penises and the way they look like emo kids with their sweatshirt hood pulled up (my mom and I discussed this at length)

*I still want to share present opening protocol with the world even though Christmas is but a shiny speck in the rear view mirror of stores decorating for Easter

*Irritation that I can't seem to remember even ONE of the 800 things I see and hear on a daily basis that I want to blog about or (even better) use for Things They Need to Hear Thursday

*Would you guys rather I didn't post unless it was funny or post anyway so that I don't have to disappear into a "how come I can't be funny today" cave for a week?

That's good for now. As always, please give me any and all ideas for TTNtHT. I need you beautiful, smart, intuitive people (I hear flattery is the way to get shit done).

Ideas, seriously. riflebabe143@yahoo.com

Things They Need to Hear Thursday: Take a Hint Edition

I know it's Friday. This is nothing new; at least it's only one day late. My absence from my beautiful blog is completely the fault of the College Algebra class I'm taking online. My teacher only knows how to 'Reply All' on e-mails, so I still haven't gotten my questions answered, but I've seen the answers to everyone else's questions. ANYWAY

Dear Weird Publix Kid,

I do not like you; I'm sorry. Yes, we hung out a few times. Yes, it was OK. Alas, I do not want to sleep with you. Or date you. Or spend any extended time in your company because you creep me out a little and I've grown partial to my skin. I don't know how to be less interested. When you text me, I don't respond or send only one word answers. When you ask if I'd like to 'hang out' and I miraculously have been 'called in' to work that evening, guess what? I haven't been called in; I work at a hotel, I'm not a doctor. If I have to go to work I have at least 8 hours’ notice every time. I just would rather sit alone in my room catching up on my blog subscriptions than go anywhere with you. Please acquire some self-awareness.

Backing away slowly,

Bri

Seriously, this is getting redic. This kid just won't catch a hint. I've got this weirdo texting me every day, Old Mike acting like a child every other day, and an e-mail correspondence with a 38 year old man who lists the New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys as his favorite musical artists. What the actual fuck?

Anyone else have an abundance of weird all up in their bid'ness or is it just me?

Books & Things

Here's what's awesome right now. According to me.

Books

1. The Hunger Games - I cannot express how awesome this series was to me. Even though it had Stephanie Meyer's review quote on the jacket (that made me not want to read it. She is awful). If you haven't read it, drop everything and go get it now. I read all three in 5 days because it was so awesome. Let's all talk about it, because no one I know has read it.

2. Bossypants - I read this in 4 hours at work (we're REALLY slow right now). I love Tina Fey. She's really funny and it was fun to see the parallels between her real life and 30 Rock.

3. 11/22/63 - I got this book for Christmas and I'm only about one hundred pages in, but it's really good so far. Stephen King is actually overlapping his older stories! It's really cool and about time travel. For instance, right now the main character is in Derry (where It took place) at the time when It had just been happening. It's really trippy if you've read his other books. I'm still reading though; it's HUGE (842 pages!).

T.V.

1. The League - I just got on this bandwagon and have watched the first three seasons all in a row. I love it! I spent the whole time thinking how much Nick Kroll looked like Jeff Goldblum and then they had him on to play Kroll's dad; it was awesome. Plus, Kevin reminds me infinitely of my cousin Chris. That's probably only interesting to me, but eh. This show makes me want to play fantasy football, seriously this time (not like last time when I never participated past the draft).

2. 30 Rock - Obsessively re-watching this. I love Alec Baldwin on this show and I miss him dearly on the Twitter. Not to mention I relate more than is comfortable to Liz Lemon. The new season starts this month and I cannot wait.

3. The Big Bang Theory - I love Sheldon. That's about all there is to it. Also, I respect that they didn't make Penny stupid; she's not a genius, but she's just a regular person. They could have gone really patronizing with her character and I like that they didn't make her too much of a stereotype.

Blogs

1. Keeping it Trashy in the Bible Belt - I love this so hard. I am following Allie on every social media I could find her on (that's how I love). This blog is my blog's crush and y'all should read it, because I cannot even adequately sum it up for you. http://www.looseningthebiblebelt.com/

2. My World in Crisis - Now, if my obsessive need to know everyone's business had a crush it would be this blog. Tom writes about his dating activities and sexcapades; it's not Tucker Max, but it's so real that it's better. OH! and he lives in London, so you get the added benefit of hearing the accent in your head while you read his stuff. http://myworldincrisis.blogspot.com/

3. The Weed - The first blog I ever followed. He's really funny and strange which is always a good combination with a dash of Mormon and a sprinkle of family man he's just straight out awesome. You won't be disappointed. http://www.joshweed.com/

I know I'm a little behind on some of the books and shows, but hell they're new to me and I like them so deal with it. This is almost like blogging from beyond the grave because I'm typing this on Monday before I leave for my cruise but y'all won't see it until...whatever day it is where you are right now. It's weird and I'm easily amused.

I (may) Have a Soul!

I promised I would do something more positive and share with you some stuff I like instead of just stuff I hate, plus you'll get to learn about me! Fucking exciting riiiight? 

Puffy Cheetos & Apple Juice - are my blow

Big, scary houses - there's one Killa and I pass on our way to St. Augustine that. is. AWESOME. There's a balcony that demands standing on in a flowing, white nightgown beseeching drivers for help to pass to the next world.

Compact things - cute little house, tree houses, trailers. I enjoy the idea that there's just enough room...it's weird in here (pointing at my head)

Turrets - I NEED a house with a turret.

Spiral staircases - preferably leading up to my turret from my tiny house.

Boxes that look like books - I like to play Queen of Redundancy and put a book in my book box.

Hating things - this is totes cheating, but I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I couldn't hate on things; Tom Brady, the New York Yankees, lovebugs, my roommate, the sun, people who say 'supposably'...I think you get it.

Weird ass movies - this started with an accidental viewing of Slither and has escalated into Killa and I seeking out weirdo B movies. The newest edition is Dagon which you should watch and join me in tweeting weird hashtags so I look less like a #dumbbitch on Twitter.

Weird ass books - Stephen King and Jack Kilborn are sick bastards, but I love those twisted motherfuckers. Read Trapped. Now.

SingStar - It's like karaoke. Only you don't have to get dressed! The wine is cheap! and it's ALWAYS your turn!

I think that's adequate. I don't want to ruin my hater street cred by seeming human. 

Things They Need to Hear Thursday: "Why am I Your Friend?" Edition

Over the Christmas holidays I spent an inordinate amount of time with my best friend (The Pretty One) and basically I just spent a lot of the time wondering why things aren't different. I mean, I love her to death and I don't mean for any of this to be offensive; it just boggles my mind how little she's changed since I met her. I know it hasn't been that long, but I still thought there could be a marked difference in how our nights out go. The times we spend hanging out, just the two of us, always go really well and do a lot to make up for the ridiculousness that happens once we get in public. 

A few days before Xmas we decided to go out to a local bar (read: NOT a club) to just hang out. I had told my mom and my aunt they should meet us there when they were done with their wrapping extravaganza. Then I learned that my high school boyfriend (TheSemen(and cliched first love that I can't seem to quit)) was in town visiting and was out with Eye Candy and Alex (who gets no nickname) so I told them they should come by too. We had a regular reunion going on; TheSemen was about to throw up, Eye Candy was wasted, and The Pretty One was making sexytime eyes at everything with a penis...just like old times. 

Eye Candy and Alex left. Then, some random guy walked over to the table to hit on my mom (yes, this happens a lot). He kept introducing himself ("I'm Tim") every 12 seconds and, honestly, it was completely irritating. My mom and my aunt decided to flee (lucky bitches) and I was back where I always am: completely sober, trying to keep TheSemen from puking on himself and The Pretty One from fucking anything (you know that song from The Sound of Music about solving a problem like Maria? That's my life with The Pretty One only with trying to keep her from being raped or raping). 

Now it was just TheSemen, The Pretty One and me (like Rainbow Connection!); plus this drunk, redneck mofo and his friend he called over. So, I've got TheSemen in the parking lot throwing up and these two assholes (Tim and Tom(seriously)), and The Pretty One being all white girl wasted. TheSemen and I come back inside to see that Tim & Tom have relocated to our table and The Pretty One is leaning on Tim and he's got his hands down the front of her pants. We are in a bar. There are lights on. This isn't some shitty club with strobe lights and a DJ who won't shut up; it's a sports bar/restaurant. I am mortified. Then she switches to making out with Tom while Tim gropes her. IN A WELL LIT PLACE. I let her get her skank on for a while and just hang around with TheSemen.

After about two hours, she's making out with Tom and knocks over a glass. This is too much attention for my social anxiety so TheSemen and I go outside with her and her harem trailing. Tim is completely shit faced, but gets behind the wheel of his car anyway (I scope out the license plate # to call the cops if he actually intends on driving, that's how I roll). Tom gets in with him and they pull up in front of us. The Pretty One walks over to the car and leans in the window to mack some more on this nasty dude. He proceeds to PULL HER IN THE FUCKING WINDOW and take off. Not in a jokey way either, I literally had to chase them down and force them to pull over. I could not believe that was the thanks I got for babysitting her ass all night.

This got a lot longer than I expected, so I'll have to tell you more The Pretty One stories at a later date. Here is the actual TTNtHT "letter" to her:

Dear The Pretty One,

I wish I knew what your issue is; could pinpoint it. You know I love you more than most people, but still you baffle me. I know in high school it was the norm to hinge self-worth on whether or not a dude liked you back or not, but at this juncture, it is rapidly approaching sad. It is as if you have no sense at all of what is appropriate behavior for not only your environment, but your intentions. You have to stop being surprised when things don't go your way. You don't even nudge them in the right direction; you just barrel along until you hit that wall of self loathing and shatter, leaving me to pick you back up again.

Love,

Bri