Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Surefire Ways to Spot an Asshole

I've been compiling this quick reference list for some time, because I believe one should always know when they're in the presence of an asshole. If you find yourself talking to someone wondering "Is this person awful?" just consult this list and if any one thing matches up, you've got a dick on your hands (giggity).

This person...

1. is a New York Yankees fan; these people are just the worst and should be avoided at all costs.

2. eats pizza with a knife and fork

3. drives a cream colored car; not white or tan, but cream.

4. wears white sunglasses

5. has a lower back tattoo; this is not about placement, but content. I saw a man at the pool with the word "Mesmerized" tattooed across his lower back. That guy sucks, I guarantee it.

6. won't give their phone number when they check into the hotel; you aren't that important and when you've been waiting 45 minutes for the shuttle and I can't call you to keep you updated  because you were too goddamn special to give your number do NOT yell at me when you get back. Fuck you.

7. says "I'm a very sexual person;" yeah, you like to get laid a lot and whore around. That doesn't mean you're all in touch with your sexuality, it means you're "horny" which is fine, but try not to be so pretentious about it.

8. tells you that "everything happens for a reason" when your life is going to shit. Just...just cunt punt that person, because that is the most BS cop out masquerading as wisdom.

9. identifies as a New England Patriots fan.

There are so many. Assholes are everywhere, but luckily they're usually doing asshole-y things to help you more easily identify them. Feel free to add anymore. Also, do you think this guy is an asshole? or just weird as shit?

His shoes are made of rope and there was no irony in that hat


  1. Yankees fans are the absolute worst.

  2. I knew it! People that eat pizza with a knife and fork are assholes! I had a boyfriend who would do that, and his excuse was that the pizza was too hot to hold, and I agree, it was, but I still couldn't brink myself to do what he was doing.

  3. I love you for #1. Seriously, Yankees fans. STOP IT.