Dear Middle School Children,
Stop having sex. There's
plenty of time and I guarantee you aren't emotionally ready to understand
what's going on, nor are you physically ready to appreciate what's going on.
Get some Barbies, make them be naked together, and ask your parents awkward
questions; no one should be touching your goodies at this point except you.
Sincerly,
A Woman you are Aging
Prematurely by Being Sexually Active
RANT:
I don't know why I do it. I
always look at stuff I know is gonna rile me up. This time it's actually the
fault of one of the 50 blogs I read; this blog post
mentioned an article on AskMen.com entitled "Top 10 Subtle Ways to Tell
Her She's Getting Fat" so obviously I had to go read it even though I knew
it would make my HulkRage act up.
This website is so
alternately depressing and rage inducing. It makes me question everything I
thought I had learned about human relationships and what I've been aiming for
in finding one of my own. It brings up scary questions like 'Does anyone
actually like anyone else?' Is everyone just looking to score the hottest piece
of ass they can? I'm already a paranoid and suspicious being; I really don't
need this added bullshit to make me even MORE paranoid and suspicious. Some
"highlights" of this barrel of shenanigans:
#2: Buy her clothes that are too small
If you buy her clothes that are obviously
too small for her, not only will she finally have to admit that she’s putting
on weight, but she can easily return them for her correct size. First, she’ll
have to reveal to you that the clothes are too small. “Oh,” you might say, “I
thought you were a size 8. Isn’t that what you were last summer?” The onus is
now on her to do something about it.
A. Don't buy me clothes
ever. You have bad taste; that's why I pick out YOUR clothes. B. Fuck
off.
#7: Playfully grab her love handles
Ask any man and he’ll tell you that he instinctively flexes his biceps
whenever a woman touches them. The same thing goes for a woman when you make
contact with any unwanted flab: She recoils and feels embarrassment. Use this
reaction to your advantage. Even if she thinks that you’re too busy at work to
have noticed a few extra pounds, if you continually rest your hand on her love
handles (or even lightly pinch them), she’ll soon realize that you’re becoming
increasingly aware of something that never used to be there before.
A.
This is psychotic. Might as well gift wrap that eating disorder, asshole. B.
Fuck Off.
#3:
Sign her up for yoga under the pretence of "stress relief"
This works particularly
well if your girlfriend still hasn’t worked out the link between an active
lifestyle and emotional well-being. Tell her you have found exactly what she
needs to help her relax, a regular spiritual cleanse in the form of a yoga class. Make sure
you choose an intense, calorie-burning form (power yoga or ashtanga yoga),
otherwise she may end up rolling around on the floor a couple times a week with
no real benefits. The beauty of yoga is that if you dress it up as a way to relieve
stress, she may not realize that she’s being tricked into shedding a few
pounds, and even if she does, you’ll end up with a happier, more self-confident
girlfriend rather than a grumpy lard-ass.
A. If all your girlfriend
is to you is a "grumpy lard-ass" in between being 2 wet holes, why do
you have a girlfriend? B. Fuck Off. C. I love that the advice is to ACT like
you're doing something nice for her when, in actuality, you're still being a
shallow dick. D. Fuck Off.
#5: Serve her
unsatisfactory portions
When dishing up meals
for the two of you, try giving her smaller-than-usual amounts. By making her
ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of
her recent weight gain,
and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she’s going to do about
it. If you feel as though you’re starving yourself in the process, remember you
can always go back for more when she’s not looking.
A. JESUS EVERFUCKING
CHRIST! THERE IS NO BULLETED LIST FOR THIS. THIS IS THE MOST DEPRAVED FUCKING
THING I HAVE EVER READ BEING PASSED OFF AS A REAL OPTION. 'SHAMING HER' HOLY
SHIT BALLS. WHYWHYWHY?? AND THEN THEY GET TO GO BACK WHEN SHE ISN'T LOOKING?!
BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE STATURE OF A GOD AND SHE'S PUT ON WEIGHT SO NOW YOU GET
TO DISCUSS 'WHAT SHE'S GOING TO DO ABOUT IT'?? HER ONLY APPROPRIATE COURSE OF
ACTION IS TO CASTRATE HIM WHILE HE SLEEPS. B. Fuck Off. C. Die in ALL THE
FIRES.
On the off chance that a
"man"(of the type that would actually do those things) stumbles upon
this: yes, I am a fat chick. Yes, I could be prettier. Now that I've nipped
your typical responses in the bud, back to what I was saying.
Is this not frightening to
anyone else? People are always saying that feminists need to STFU because
everything is fine. This right here is NOT fine. Not by a long shot. This is
how some people actually think of women and the standards they should be held
to in terms of looks. That means the work is not done. /rant
