Father Time, Harry Potter, and a Porn 'Stashe

I am in the throes of the longest night of my entire life. I'm not sure why it's like this, but Father Time is giving us the middle finger tonight. The hotel is incredibly slow and I'm the only scheduled desk clerk (or Guest Service Representative if you're feeling fancy) so I get to stick it out till 11 no matter how much I'd like to gouge my eyes out of my face.

I was gonna wait till I got home tonight and do a response post for the TWO (AHH!) blog awards I've gotten from some super awesome people, but then I decided I was gonna use my next two days off to watch all the Harry Potter movies (because I am a large dorkus). I know when I get home I will be too busy hunkering down to actually make a meaningful contribution to the internet (when has that ever stopped anyone, right?). So, instead, y'all get to feel like you're experiencing this hellish evening with me! YAY! Anyone? Fine, I don't need yous guys to party.

Please excuse the atrocious punctuation and syntax in this post; I am in danger of dying from boredom. The funny part is that I usually do things that other people would consider boring all day, every day of my life. It takes a lot to bore me, but I'm going stir crazy! Let's share awkward work stories and in the morning I'll make waffles! (Probably I'll just hand you a box of Rice Chex (See?? Even the cereal I eat is boring!) and then break it to you that I don't have milk.) 

This one didn't happen to me, but it happened to my coworker while I was standing right next to her. Some backstory: Mark the Cab Driver (how he refers to himself, always) is a (guess what?!) cab driver in the area and he likes to drop in here at night and use the lobby computers. It used to be because he had the hots for the old night auditor; now he seems a little lost. MtheCD is also running for city commission.

Tonight he called the hotel and asked to speak to my coworker Corona (not actually her name (I hate that people are so fucked up with naming children that I feel the need to clear that up)). When she got on the phone we could (obviously) only hear her side of the conversation which went something like "Oh, hi...I'm good……….How are you?...............................................Well, actually I work nights.............Thanks for the invitation though!(she is incredibly too sweet and nice for her own good)" [side note: I was jumping up and down mouthing WHAT over and over again at this point.]

So, after she got off the phone we got the story: MtheCD had asked Corona to go to a "gala" with him for "a night of drinks and conversation." In case this isn't enough WTF for you, let me tell you that Corona is 23, tall, and pretty; MtheCD is (if I had to guess) early forties, thick-ass glasses, and porn 'stashe. I mean, for serious, dude? It made Corona feel nauseous, but it made me laugh REALLY HARD and, let's face it, that's all that really matters.

I'm not trying to insult y'all or anything by breaking up the text blocks, I just don't want anyone to look at my blog like tl;dr when you see a huge blocks of text; I made it more pleasing to short attention spans you're welcome.

Also, PLEASE someone e-mail me with an idea for Things They Need to Hear Thursday!!! I'll be your bestest internet friend; I promise I am the winningest friend ever. Ask The Pretty One, this weekend I literally made someone have sex with her (I know you're thinking I used literally wrong over there, but no I actually put someone's p in her v with my own hands. I like to think Gabs would understand the type of weeked that facilitates that type of behavior) Bri = Best. Friend. Ever

Email ideas to riflebabe143 [at] yahoo [dot] com (I believe you're smart enough to know how e-mail addresses work, I just wanted to be pretentious for a hot second)

Bri Reads Cosmo

OK, so this post has taken me forever! I think it was worth the wait. This post will introduce you to exactly what it's like to be my friend or be related to me. This is the kind of shit I am constantly bitching about (loudly) to whoever will listen (read: whoever I provoke). It's funny, but it also makes me all sad/mad when I realize it's 2011 and this publication still exists and more people aren't hating on it. My biggest gripe is always "where is the menfolk's guide to 8,000 ways to not piss women off?" This magazine is always chock-full (I accidentally typed 'cock' the first time; how Freudian of me) of advice that always reads to me as "101 Ways to Assure Your LTR is Completely Unhealthy." So, without further ado, Bri reads Cosmo:

Adele is amazing and should be on the cover of everything...but Cosmo makes me Hulk angry

This magazine is marketed to adult women, right? So, WTF is with asking Joe Jonas' opinion?

The way to Joe Jonas' heart is through Will Ferrell's ballsack

JJ: "I can't bone 'cause there's too much pink in here; butch it up, hoe."

Because YOUR comfort is the most important thing about MY house

Seriously has anyone ever been denied sex because they had pink decor? I think not. Joe Jonas is talking like he's never actually been invited into a woman's space...maybe that explains it.

Shit is right.

Is this kind of arrogance really 'the dream'?

there are no words.

I didn't realize I had so many castration methods at the ready until I read this.

The idea that real people said these things to other real people and they're still capable of walking is sad. I'm not sure if we're supposed to think that speaking to your significant other like they are gum on your shoe is hilarious or what. 


Even Cosmo doesn't know what the hell it's talking about. On page 131 they tell us we should cover up around "our guy" because god forbid he view you as an actual human; you're supposed to be a sex kitten/goddess that is always wearing sexy lingerie and constantly ready for sex! Then on page 161 they change their tune; the article is titled '20 Reasons to be Naked this Winter,' six of which involve getting naked in front of that very guy you're supposed to cover up for. Cosmo is mind fucking me and no matter how many tips they have, I still don't like it.


Anyway, all my roommates and their significant others are out of town tonight. This is the greatest thing ever. Last time I thought they were all gone 1 walked in and says 'oh we aren't going to leave until tomorrow now' I was extremely sad about that. This is the only time I get to be in the living room without being forced to watch whatever shitty weed documentary or make small talk with the sketch-ass people that are always filing in and out of here. I've forgone pants, moved the table and couch closer to the TV (so that I'm typing this on our huge TV!), and am making buffalo chicken dip. I've gotta get back to this amazing and (way too) rare evening of being completely alone; The Big Bang Theory is waiting. 


Happy Thanksgiving! I'm not doing Things They Need to Hear Thursday tomorrow, because I'll be driving then eating and I'm still working on a TTNHT post for Mondi (who is awesome).

Things They Need to Hear Thursdays: Yahoo! Edition

It is that time again. Time to mercilessly point out the shortcomings of others. Today's post was inspired by reading the comments on Yahoo! News articles; some people just should not be allowed online.

Dear Yahoo! News Pundits,

I know you feel strongly about the issues being reported upon on Yahoo!'s homepage and that's why you get that itch to let your voice be heard in a public forum. I respect that you have opinions on things; do you. I only take offense when "doing you" causes you to completely eradicate any point you were trying to make by letting your rage blind you to your ignorance. Let's just talk about a funny phenomenon where you think you're going to use a simple cliché, but wind up butchering it beyond recognition. Example: "Bear23 5 minutes ago This has turned into a 3 ring circles and the saddest part is, the victims are being forgotten and ppl like Palin is using this as a political ploy." There is a lot happening here, I know. The reference I was making though is to the use of the phrase "3 ring circles" I'm sure he meant "3 ring circus," but here we are. Even without the 'ppl...is using this..." we all already assume that Bear here is a complete moron. OK, OK, I hear you saying that maybe that was auto correct or just a typo; fine. I have more examples of y'all being completely idiotic while calling other people stupid. Let's take whatver for example; he wondered "um isnt there a statue of limitations?" Hmm, I'm not sure whatver (seriously?!). What exactly would a statue of limitations look like? Perhaps a stone rendering of '.08 BAC'? One more for you wannabe insightful bastards. Check out what your cohort cobra2681 thought about the Sandusky scandal "Every couch on that team knew something wasnt right!" What about the chairs, friend? Did they know something wasn't right? I'm not sure what y'all are trying to get across here except, perhaps, the failure of the education system. I also don't know what your aversion to apostrophes are, but I promise you they are like little unicorn kisses on your sentences. Also, us over here (wave everyone), we're judging you.

xo,

Bri

Seriously, the comments section of Yahoo! News is its own particular brand of entertainment/torture. Also, I'm rapidly running out of Things They Need to Hear Thursday material, so if you can think of anyone, anything, or any group that needs to hear something leave me a comment or drop me an e-mail. Help me out, y'all!

Things I Hate: Part I

I added the 'Part I' thing up there because, as any one who knows me can attest, I am constantly bitching about how much I hate things (most of which have no reason to be hated). Now, lots of people have tried to tell me how it's not good to hate so much, and how I'll feel better if I just let it go; I assure you that those people are wrong (and that if you're thinking that, so are you). I would not be me, in all manifestations of that illustrious idea, if I did not have my irrational pet peeves and hatred; believe me, I enjoy it immensely. Here is a little list of just the things I've been reminded I hate lately (now with explanations that won't make any sense to well adjusted people!):

1. Lovebugs - I cannot even adequately express my disdain for these things. It is that time of year down here where these damn things are EVERYWHERE; getting stuck to your clothes and your windshield and flying all up in your car if you have the windows down. They. are. awful. This isn't even a fear thing (like the frog thing is) this is a "My god, they are so fucking pretentious!" thing. I mean, if any of us were outside, on people's cars, jumping in people's windows while doing what these assholes are doing we would be arrested. They're just flying around and boning AT THE SAME TIME! I've taken to doing my part to curb this issue by immediately turning on my windshield wipers whenever a pair of fucking bugs (literally) lands on my windshield. They're rubbing it in your face, and it needs to stop. 
2. Sneezing - This one is trickier and WAY more difficult to explain. I enjoy sneezing, it is especially awesome when you really need to and you've spent an hour bitching to your coworkers about how you need to sneeze but you can't. The problem, for me, is when other people sneeze; I know this makes me sound like a complete hypocrite and that's why I usually go somewhere private to sneeze or try to sneeze with my mouth closed (which is really awkward). I realized the other night that I think I just don't like jarring noises. I found myself hiding in my room while my roommate was vacuuming the other day and at work whenever maintenance is using the leaf blower in the breezeway I suddenly remember something that needs to be done upstairs. So, essentially, I'm some sort of Bones(my dog)-Bri hybrid that can walk and talk, but still runs away from the vacuum cleaner...and who would really appreciate it if you took your sneeze over there.
3. Heighth - This one. Holy shitballs. I absolutely cannot stand when people say this. In case you're one of the lucky ones and didn't spend an absurd amount of your time in high school throwing metal objects in the air, this is how some people (more than you think) say height; as in length, width, heighth. I am judging you so hard if you do this. It is not a word. Telling me that my spin is good, but I need more heighth is like wearing a sign around your neck that just says "ASSHOLE." Oh and if you ever try to correct one of these they're all 'I think it sounds better that way' well I think it sounds better to say recockulous, but that doesn't make it a word. Please stop the madness, y'all. It's painful and you sound ignorant.

I have more, but I'm sure I've adequately displayed a few of my many issues to ensure that you all now know why I am single. Also, this post has been sitting pretty as a draft for a while and I wanted to put something up that wasn't emo as hell. 

So, does anyone else irrationally hate things? Or is it just me?

Things They Need to Hear Thursdays: Teen Witch Edition

That title is slightly misleading. Teen Witch does factor in, but not till after I take a moment to do something I rarely do (even in my non-internet life): Be serious. I promise it won't be too long, but it's some stuff I want to say; and since the person I want to say it to has the emotional maturity of a mop, y'all get to hear it instead.

Dear K,

I am not a crazy bitch. I resent being treated as such. Telling someone you'll "be over soon" and then never showing up or answering calls is a dick move. As is not speaking to the person who is supposed to be your girlfriend with no explanation aside from "Your roommate's boyfriend is manipulative." I could understand your panic in realizing that you were almost 30, living with your parents, and doing nothing in the way of making all your big dreams come true. I cannot understand your attempt to blame those things on me. I was not the reason you felt the need to drink a six-pack every night; I was not the reason you chose to buy weed instead of save up to move out; I am not the reason you chose to play video games all day instead of doing those lofty things you needed so much "space" to do. I don't want to say these things to you so that you'll come back; I don't want you back. I say these things because I need to say them and you can't be bothered to listen: I hate the fact that I can't see a shitty Saturn go by without checking to see if it's yours; I hate the fact that your toothbrush is still in MY awesome elephant holder and your shirt is still hanging in my closet;  I hate that I let you make me feel disposable; I hate that I shared Sugar with you; I hate that I shared me with you. 

Sincerely,

B

P.S. More than all of that, I hate that you still have my Teen Witch DVD.

OK, so I'm sorry about the somber note today. This guy was my boyfriend and it wasn't so much that he dumped me as it is HOW he dumped me; he really did tell me he'd be over soon and never showed up or talked to me. That was 3 months ago and I still haven't heard from him. I'm irritated and embarrassed by this. I don't get dumped. My pride has taken a major beating from this bullshit and, in attempt to bolster it back up, I needed to say the stuff that's been swirling around in my head. 

On a lighter note, I have a 2nd tiny "Things They Need to Hear" note:

Dear Doubters,

You scoffed when I asked if you had seen a movie in which 3 kids get tokens to go to the "Mom Store" to select a replacement mother. You insisted that it didn't exist. Well it does! It's called Trading Mom. 

Suck it,

B

P.S. The Mom Store part is around 35 minutes in

Fortress 314

Sounds like the title of something awesome...'cause it is! It's the name we've given our apartment after it undergoes its transformation into the ultimate safe house; when the zombies spread from Tex-ass (we all know these assholes will brag about the fact they had zombies first) to Florida we'll be ready. I usually don't get in on the random zombie apocalypse conversations, but then Yahoo! News (and my own twisted mind) decided to scare the living shit out of me.

I saw a headline the other day on the front page of Yahoo! that read just like one of those foreshadow laden news reports at the beginning of every modern day zombie movie.



Mystery outbreak ends HS game early. Symptoms: insatiable yearning for human flesh.

Essentially, a bunch of people in the bleachers of a high school in Tex-ass were just enjoying a football game and they started vomiting and passing out. For reals. They sent in a hazmat team and everything! The people had nothing in common that would trigger this; they had all eaten at different places and different times. All told, 22 people went to 5 different hospitals. I was officially freaked out. I mean really, I had managed to spend so much of my day thinking about this that when I walked outside to go to work, I thought I smelled blood; I pulled out my phone to tell Killa that I was right when Puddle yelled out to me from the top of the stairs. I screamed, y'all. Not a shriek or a yelp, a full-on "Holy shit! The killer is slicing my throat NOW" type of scream.

I told Killa about the imminent advent of the zombies. She maintained that her apartment would be a great safe house because it is like a cave (Are you a dumb bitch?). I was forced to remind her that almost her entire front wall is made up of a sliding glass door which is the equivalent of an "Open 24 Hours" sign at an all-you-can-eat buffet. I explained that, in actuality, my apartment would make an awesome safe house with very few modifications and room for everyone we like!

So now, obviously, I'm going to tell you about the ways in which we will make our apartment the perfect survival post. A few notes before we start: I live on the third floor, there are 3 bedrooms & 3 bathrooms in my apartment, and we are assuming staggering zombies (not those fast-type fuckers they use to make the action scenes more interesting). Let's do this:

#1 - Bedroom Appropriation - we have a good sized living room and without the furniture it will be the perfect common living area (which I guess is redundant to say since that's kind of the definition of a living room). So, the bedrooms will be reassigned alternate uses: My bedroom will be the pantry (because it is the most easily accessible to ambitious zombies), Cupcake's bedroom will be the infirmary (because her bedroom is furthest from the door), and Match's bedroom will be the armory (because we aren't doing this without a shit ton of weapons).

#2 - Alternate Entrance - going in and out the front door is like asking to be mauled by the undead. Our plan involves sabotaging the stairs and utilizing our 3rd floor balcony to its fullest potential. We will install a zip line that will carry one out over the parking lot to the vehicles we have at the ready (for scouting and hunting, obvs). Rope ladders that can be raised and lowered with little hassle will be the re-entrance method.

#3 - Ground Rules - anyone who gains entry to this fortress is required to agree to one rule: If you are bitten by a zombie, you will be shot. I'm sorry, but there is no room for negotiation here. We are not going to find a magical cure; this is about surviving, not thriving. Now, because we are not cold hearted assholes, Cupcake decided that everyone has to have 2 nice things about everyone else written down and on hand at all times. Should someone become infected, we will all tell them 2 nice things about them, then someone who is not extremely close to them would take them outside, and handle the situation. See? We even made a stipulation that we won't ignite a crisis of conscience by asking you to off your family members! Win-Win ("I do not think it means what you think it means").

Here's what my apartment looks like: 


YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AND STOP JUDGING ME!

I am now accepting applications to reside in our fortress; please provide any relevant skills, how your presence will detract from the general feeling of despair, and, on a scale of 1 to 10, how comfortable you are with possibly being called upon to kill an infected person.


This overly thought out post brought to you by: Tex-ass, pressure washing, and my recent viewing of The Evil Dead.

Things They Need to Hear Thursday: Confused Girls Edition

OK, so it's not Thursday. But just humor me because I like alliteration and I'm gonna do this weekly,

so deal. Every Thursday we're going to tell someone (or a group of people) something they need to hear, but maybe don't want to hear. It might be nice, mean, sad, or snarky (probably this one the most). So, without further ado,  Things They Need to Hear Thursday:

Dear Confused Girls of Florida,

You may have noticed that it is getting chillier outside. You were probably excited that you get to break out the Ugg boots, scarves, and the puffy, fur trimmed coats; I don't blame you, they're cute accessories. Now, I'm sure you're thinking when you're outside at night "Man, I've done everything right; I'm wearing my snow boots, my cute scarf, and my parka. Why am I still freezing?!" Well, I'm gonna help you out with this...PUT ON SOME PANTS! You're wearing all the aforementioned cold weather wear and fucking hot pants. If you wanna put your vagina out with a For Sale sign on it, then by all means, go ahead. But no bitching about being cold because you believe you can't find someone to bone while wearing pants; I assure you that the menfolk have no qualms about removing your jeans as opposed to your hot pants. 

Happy Winter Boning, y'all!

xo, Bri

Seriously?!

This has legit been bothering the hell out of me. It's as if they actually have no idea why they're still cold with their winter clothes on even though you can't even tell they're wearing pants with the puffy jacket nonsense. Put on some pants, bitches. I think it bothers me even more because you can tell they're uncomfortably cold, but they still venture out half clothed for the viewing pleasure of people with penises. Can this please stop? Can we all stop sacrificing our own comfort for the attention of someone else? I'll wear paint splattered jeans and an ugly jacket; if someone who thinks they're god's gift to the world doesn't want in on that because they can't check out my vajay from 25 ft then so be it. I'm warm = I win.

Sorry that got heavy there for a hot second. So, we're doing this. Jump on the bandwagon and let's tell people some shit they need to hear!

Photo Credit

I did it.

I did. I said I wouldn't and I did. I went to go see the Footloose remake. Do I understand why they remade it? No. Do I think it needed to be remade? Absolutely not. Was the soundtrack as good as the original? Pfft, no.

Footloose was a perfect movie already: Enough romance without giving you diabetes (you should be saying that die-uh-bee-tus), dancing, standing up to the man, and Kevin Bacon. There would be no box office 'flops' if all movies followed that same formula.

The new movie did some stuff OK and royally fucked up some other stuff; I was literally shouting my irritation in the theatre. The notes I took on my phone say "Jump back, holdin out for a hero, whorish dancing, shirt off, Music in the warehouse scene, "boston" accent, Not kenny loggins??" I'll try to arrange that into a coherent rant (which might be an oxymoron) or I might just get all fan girl on y'all; only time will tell. Let's go!

·         Jump back: I have always loved this line. I used to tell my parents that I was going to make 'jump back!' a common way to express disbelief in my generation. I failed, but it is still an awesome line. Kevin Bacon's delivery is perfect; even if you didn't know what the phrase meant before, the way he says it makes it obvious what he means (he means "holy shit! You're making that up!"). In the new one, the kid just says "Jump back, restofthesentencehere." It isn't even an exclamation! What a letdown. Not cool, new Footloose, not cool.

·         Holdin out for a hero: This was incredibly disappointing. Bonnie Tyler singing this song is capable of making you look at anyone you’re with and think “Seriously, this guy.” It is awesome. Well, they murdered the awesomeness. See, they changed the story around so that Ren’s mother had just died and that’s why he moved to Bomont (Why did the story have to get so sad? Plus, he only cares for the first ¼ of the movie so I don’t really get it). Anyway, they used a super slow, sad sounding version of Holding Out for a Hero during a scene where Ren is looking at his mom’s picture and being sad. FOR REAL. They did that. I don’t really get why. Just because you slow a song down and have a sad sounding bitch sing it doesn’t mean it’s an appropriate sad song. FAIL.

·         Whorish dancing: One of the reasons the original was so great was that you were always firmly on the kids’ side; they just wanted to dance. They were just dancing in the original, not grinding on each other. In the remake of the scene where Ariel and all the kids are dancing outside the diner, Julianne Hough literally grabs a pole and starts dancing. Seriously? The problem here (besides once again implying that everything you do as a woman has to be for the purpose of turning on a man) is that when they’re all grinding on each other you begin to understand why the parents don’t want them dancing; you aren’t supposed to sympathize with the insanely religious townsfolk! This really bogged down the premise for me. The point is to agree that the town is being unreasonable and that there’s no harm in just dancing.

·         Shirt off: This one ties into what I was saying up there. I never did like the character of Ariel, but I never viewed her as a slut. When Chuck and Ren are gearing up for their display of manliness (which is racing buses instead of playing chicken with tractors. Seriously wtf) she is riding in the bed of a truck and asks where the green flag is, the kid in the truck tells her to improvise. She is wearing a green shirt. SERIOUSLY?! They had to put in a scene with her shirt off why exactly? So much objectification it hurts. And they are selling this as an appropriate way to stand up for yourself to 13 year old girls!

·         Music in the warehouse scene: 2^nd best scene in the original. Kevin Bacon dancing angrily to powerful music. It’s awesome. In the remake… I don’t even know. The music was all wrong. It was mostly bass and it’s hard to dance to just bass. I was extremely disappointed. The new kid could actually dance (he didn’t need a body double like Bacon) but I couldn’t focus on that fact cause I was yelling about how shitty the music was.

·         “boston” accent: This was just funny. Ren was from Chicago in the 1984 version, but in 2011 he’s from Boston. This is fine except the actor they had playing this Bostonian only said like 4 words in a Boston accent. He would fade in and out of it. He could say ‘car’ and a few other easy ones, but mostly he just had non regional dialect. A couple times I thought to myself “why did he say that funny?” because I forgot he was supposed to be from Boston till he said one word in a sentence funny.

·         Not Kenny Loggins??: The end scene at the barn dance is iconic. The play Footloose for the 3^rd time in the film, they dance, it’s awesome. In the new one, they did play Footloose, but not by Kenny Loggins. WHAT? Why not? They played a remake by Blake Shelton. I don’t mind Blake Shelton on principle, but I needed the resolution of that song to negate the shit I didn’t like in this movie. It wasn’t even done any different stylistically; it was just the same exact music and lyrics with a country twang. WHYYYY

So, that’s the list of shit I thought they did wrong. There were a few things I liked:

·         Julianne Hough managed to make Ariel likeable (and remind me that I NEED some red cowboy boots). I hated this character in the 1984 version; she was a bitch and thought she was hot shit. In the remake, there was more reason to her rebellion and I appreciated that character development. I did think they over sexualized her with the taking her top off and dancing like a stripper. This movie hit home for me about how much sex we’re selling to 13 year olds (movie is rated PG-13); I have a 12 year old sister, this shit scares me and makes me worried for her generation.

·         Willard! ZOMG I wish Willard was real; I’d be all over that cute, redneck, can’t dance, fight loving hick! In both versions Willard was the high point. The kid who played him in the new one more than lived up to the standard set by Chris Penn.

·         The scene where Ren teaches Willard how to dance was still great (BEST scene in the original). They kept ‘Let’s Hear it for the Boy’ as the musical accompaniment to that scene (honestly, what other song would even work?) and it was awesome.

I apologize for how long that was. I don’t play around when it comes to Footloose and I had this stuff in my head. I’ll embed the different music I disagreed with and y’all let me know if you agree or disagree.

[OK I spent an hour trying to get the videos on here lined up and pretty and they wouldn’t cooperate L Check out the songs I mentioned and get back to me though. It’s Holding Out for a Hero by Ella Mae Bowen in the new one. The song he dances to in the warehouse is Never by Moving Pictures (original) and Catch Hell Blues by the White Stripes (remake)]

Or just watch this little bit of amazing: