Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Notes From a Judgmental Observer

Dear Short Guy Walking Down 13th Street,

You're probably self conscious about your height, I mean, I am and I've probably got a good 3 or 4 inches on you. You know what you shouldn't do? Wear your 'shorts' to your ankles and your shirt past your ass. You look like you're 6 playing dress-up in big brother's clothes. You aren't Peter Dinklage; you cannot pull off the dwarf thing.


Dear Spanish Speaking Ladies in the Shuttle Van,

Why are you shouting? Are you mocking the English speakers who talk LOUDER and s l o w e r once they learn someone speaks a different language? Because I agree that that is irritating, but I wasn't trying to communicate with you. I was just driving you to the airport and you made my ears ring.



Dear People who Spray Perfume in a Full Car,

Fuck you.


Dear Radio Station 103.7,

You guys suck. I know your claim to fame is that you play coverage of all Gator sporting events, but interrupting the Sunday countdown right when they're about to play the number one song is a dick move. Everyone could have missed the first 4 minutes of sports casters talking about college baseball. Everyone knows college sports are inferior. Stop being douches.

me and the other 10 people in the whole world who enjoy the Sunday morning countdowns

As an added bonus, in case you aren't living life to the fullest, a picture of Peter Dinklage (I love him, go watch him in Game of Thrones and Nip/Tuck):

Totes pulling it off; take notes guy on 13th street.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

I'm Gonna Write About Christmas Now That it's Easter, I'm Kind of a Hipster That Way

Forever and a day ago, before everyone stopped checking here because I never post, I told you about present opening protocol; at least that it existed. Well, today you're going to learn what the rules actually are, so that I'll have evidence for when later this year my whole family decides to act like a bunch of assholes during present opening. The guidelines are fairly simple and very rigid. The only person who should have trouble with this is me since I am stuck in the limbo between "kid" and "grown up" and yet I'm the only one who can handle it. 

Through the use of diagrams and my descriptive skill I will now paint a you a picture of the peaceful, fair Christmas I yearn for (when I was an only child, this was far easier).

First thing you need to know, the living room at my parents' house looks like this on Christmas Eve:

I know it's huge, it was either REALLY big or REALLY small (giggity). So, we're dealing with that room and a bunch of loud ass people all yelling and trying to get situated. Once everyone gets an ass in a seat, they inevitably turn to me and tell me to begin bossing everyone around. This would be great except that 10 seconds later I'm getting mocked and the little(er) kids are getting told to just open gifts. This would be fine except if you've ever told a young child/tween to "just do (something)" you know that they just gape open mouthed like you just spoke Mandarin Chinese instead of telling them to unwrap a bunch of free shit.

That's why my rules go like this:

1. The children hand the adults their gifts from them.
2. Once all the adults have all their gifts, each person opens one per circuit ONE AT A TIME. (this is the part that my family just cannot fucking handle) I spend a lot of time considering, purchasing, and wrapping gifts for every member of my family, I want to see their reaction god dammit! 
3. After we've completed sufficient circuits so that all the adults' presents are unwrapped, then the chillins get to go. ONE AT A TIME alternating between them so that everyone gets proper acknowledgement and so they can actually absorb what it is they've received instead of just moving onto the next like greedy little hooligans. 

BTW, circuits go like this:

[editor's note: MS Paint is hard.]

I simply cannot handle a world in which everyone just rips the wrapping off of every gift in 8.3 seconds, not even knowing what they got or who gave it them; that is not a world in which I will ever live. If you aren't patient enough for the system, I guess you don't get presents; sucks to suck.