Saturday, February 18, 2012

All it Takes are Balls of Steel

Sometimes, when I see the same strangers around all the time I like to make up little back stories and motivations for their actions even though I know nothing about them. There's a guy in my apartment complex that I'm pretty sure has actual balls of steel (at least according to my imaginary back story for him).

Let's discuss balls of steel guy.

A few weeks ago I started seeing a guy and a girl walking around every evening. Through only the 3.2 seconds I saw them as I drove by, I decided that they were friends but this guy wants to get out of the friendzone and into the bed. I came to this conclusion for a few reasons:

1. They aren't ever walking very close or touching in any way.

2. The girl is wearing a scarlet velour jogging suit. Yes, really.

3. She pushes a baby stroller containing...a tiny Pomeranian. Yes, a dog. In a stroller. Beyond my own complete lack of understanding as to what the point of walking your dog is if the dog isn't actually walking, any person willing to be seen in public with this chick either has balls made of actual steel or is putting the pussy on a pedestal (as The 40 Year Old Virgin would say).

I say all this to say: If I ever drive by you, I'm probably making up your whole life in my head and that's why I'm staring. 

Also, my life is unexciting and I have nothing else to blog about.

Because this looks so short and blank to me, here's a picture I just re-found of my entire family standing under a sign that says someone else's names at a wedding chapel in Vegas (it hadn't switched to my parents' names yet and we're a little...touched.)

There in the middle you'll see...not Denise and James.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Radio, We Need to Talk

Radio, you know I love you. Even when most people have moved on to customized music experiences I still come back to you. I like the fact that I don't know what's coming next, but if this relationship is to continue, we need to lay some ground rules.

First, country radio, stop playing Big & Rich. While I appreciate the sentiment of "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy," that song is terrible. Big & Rich isn't even a thing anymore...this song should join them in nonexistence.

Next, every radio station ever, stop ruining Adele for me. I adore her, her songs and voice are gorgeous, but guess what?! She has 2 whole albums worth of music. Stop just grabbing a song and playing it until I never want to hear it again. You drilled "Someone Like You" into my skull so hard it has lost all meaning and emotion behind the song; same with "Rolling in the Deep." Now you've turned your obnoxious, dead horse beating on "Set Fire to the Rain" Please stop the madness. I want to love Adele forever and you're making it hard.

Lastly, who decided LMFAO gets to be famous? No one ran it past me. They are terrible. Plus they're taking advantage of the music buying public: "Oh we had one song people liked, now we can just re-release the same song again, but with the word sorry thrown in there." And neither of them are sexy in any way, shape or form. 

These guys lost their dictionary
Please just fix these few things, Radio, and we can get this lovin' back on track.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

I Didn't Know This Was a Thing

So, I stumbled upon some pretty alarming websites that prompted me to write this unfunny post instead of writing about the myriad of things I promised, but I really didn't know that angry men had started an "anti-feminism" movement. I understand that there are extremists in every single belief that has ever been a thing people believe in ever. But wow, these dudes are pissed. 

Reading these ridiculous things (and one eloquent article about having absolute beliefs) made me examine my own beliefs about my own brand of "feminism" and human rights in general; I think I've pinpointed my own opinions (not that you care, but I'm gonna tell you about them).

I am pro-choice. Every time. No exceptions. If you aren't pro-choice, then you don't trust women to make their own choices. That's really the bottom line for me. The thing that makes me the angriest is when people use the "it's murder" argument to defend their stance and then turn around and support the death penalty. You're hypocrites and, honestly, that's worse than being pretty much anything else.

I don't think it is any worse to hit a woman than it is to hit a man; I just think everyone should refrain from hitting everyone. Domestic violence is bad no matter who hit who. It's an extremely antiquated notion to tell young boys "we don't hit girls." No, you don't fucking hit anyone and if you do hit someone the punishment should be exactly the same.

I 100% support gay marriage. The fact that this is even an issue is ridiculous. People are people. It does not affect straight person A's marriage when straight person B gets married, so why the fuck would it affect straight person A's marriage if gay person C got married??

I used to be pro death penalty, but after a few years and more research, I can safely say I am against it. People do bad things, kill people even. I'm not saying that is good or should go unpunished, but killing the killer doesn't resurrect the dead (talk to your awesome god about that); it just leaves more dead and more angry, hurt survivors.

I don't hate men. There is this crazy stigma that if you call yourself a feminist you're either a lesbian or bitter about being dumped (which is truly an absurd notion, because "hating men" is not a prerequisite for being a lesbian; liking girls is). I am neither of those things and yet I identify myself as feminist/pro woman; some men do too. These men on these sites are the ones who sound bitter.

I want to tell yous guys the address of the angry, ignorant blog that spawned this kinda heavy blog post, but I really don't want to give them more traffic. They are like the Westboro Baptist Church except with a "God Hates Women" sign instead of a "God Hates Fags" one. These people are other people's parents and that makes me all sad panda because I always thought the Evangelical Christians were the main ones fucking up our youth (I may have seen Jesus Camp like 15 too many times).

Friday, February 3, 2012

I Went to Save-a-Lot Today...

...that about sums it up. I'm usually the world's biggest snob when it comes to places "like that." Think Winn Dixie, Big Lots, Family Dollar. I'm just so judgy.

Anywho, I've been having random snippets of ideas of things to write on here and random events happening that I'd like to type out, but I'm painfully lazy most days (it was a struggle just to stop watching the League to write this). So, today, I'm going to just put the stuff out there and then I'm held accountable for actually writing a post about these things...someday.

*I'm having an identity crisis because of how much I enjoyed the cheapness of my trip to Save-a-Lot.

*Kent came over to get his stuff last night and it went...differently than anticipated (like, real different)

*The Pretty One is coming home again soon and we'll be hanging out...pray for me

* Uncircumcised penises and the way they look like emo kids with their sweatshirt hood pulled up (my mom and I discussed this at length)

*I still want to share present opening protocol with the world even though Christmas is but a shiny speck in the rear view mirror of stores decorating for Easter

*Irritation that I can't seem to remember even ONE of the 800 things I see and hear on a daily basis that I want to blog about or (even better) use for Things They Need to Hear Thursday

*Would you guys rather I didn't post unless it was funny or post anyway so that I don't have to disappear into a "how come I can't be funny today" cave for a week?

That's good for now. As always, please give me any and all ideas for TTNtHT. I need you beautiful, smart, intuitive people (I hear flattery is the way to get shit done).

Ideas, seriously.