Friday, January 20, 2012

Things They Need to Hear Thursday: Take a Hint Edition

I know it's Friday. This is nothing new; at least it's only one day late. My absence from my beautiful blog is completely the fault of the College Algebra class I'm taking online. My teacher only knows how to 'Reply All' on e-mails, so I still haven't gotten my questions answered, but I've seen the answers to everyone else's questions. ANYWAY

Dear Weird Publix Kid,

I do not like you; I'm sorry. Yes, we hung out a few times. Yes, it was OK. Alas, I do not want to sleep with you. Or date you. Or spend any extended time in your company because you creep me out a little and I've grown partial to my skin. I don't know how to be less interested. When you text me, I don't respond or send only one word answers. When you ask if I'd like to 'hang out' and I miraculously have been 'called in' to work that evening, guess what? I haven't been called in; I work at a hotel, I'm not a doctor. If I have to go to work I have at least 8 hours’ notice every time. I just would rather sit alone in my room catching up on my blog subscriptions than go anywhere with you. Please acquire some self-awareness.

Backing away slowly,


Seriously, this is getting redic. This kid just won't catch a hint. I've got this weirdo texting me every day, Old Mike acting like a child every other day, and an e-mail correspondence with a 38 year old man who lists the New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys as his favorite musical artists. What the actual fuck?

Anyone else have an abundance of weird all up in their bid'ness or is it just me?

Friday, January 13, 2012

Books & Things

Here's what's awesome right now. According to me.


1. The Hunger Games - I cannot express how awesome this series was to me. Even though it had Stephanie Meyer's review quote on the jacket (that made me not want to read it. She is awful). If you haven't read it, drop everything and go get it now. I read all three in 5 days because it was so awesome. Let's all talk about it, because no one I know has read it.

2. Bossypants - I read this in 4 hours at work (we're REALLY slow right now). I love Tina Fey. She's really funny and it was fun to see the parallels between her real life and 30 Rock.

3. 11/22/63 - I got this book for Christmas and I'm only about one hundred pages in, but it's really good so far. Stephen King is actually overlapping his older stories! It's really cool and about time travel. For instance, right now the main character is in Derry (where It took place) at the time when It had just been happening. It's really trippy if you've read his other books. I'm still reading though; it's HUGE (842 pages!).


1. The League - I just got on this bandwagon and have watched the first three seasons all in a row. I love it! I spent the whole time thinking how much Nick Kroll looked like Jeff Goldblum and then they had him on to play Kroll's dad; it was awesome. Plus, Kevin reminds me infinitely of my cousin Chris. That's probably only interesting to me, but eh. This show makes me want to play fantasy football, seriously this time (not like last time when I never participated past the draft).

2. 30 Rock - Obsessively re-watching this. I love Alec Baldwin on this show and I miss him dearly on the Twitter. Not to mention I relate more than is comfortable to Liz Lemon. The new season starts this month and I cannot wait.

3. The Big Bang Theory - I love Sheldon. That's about all there is to it. Also, I respect that they didn't make Penny stupid; she's not a genius, but she's just a regular person. They could have gone really patronizing with her character and I like that they didn't make her too much of a stereotype.


1. Keeping it Trashy in the Bible Belt - I love this so hard. I am following Allie on every social media I could find her on (that's how I love). This blog is my blog's crush and y'all should read it, because I cannot even adequately sum it up for you.

2. My World in Crisis - Now, if my obsessive need to know everyone's business had a crush it would be this blog. Tom writes about his dating activities and sexcapades; it's not Tucker Max, but it's so real that it's better. OH! and he lives in London, so you get the added benefit of hearing the accent in your head while you read his stuff.

3. The Weed - The first blog I ever followed. He's really funny and strange which is always a good combination with a dash of Mormon and a sprinkle of family man he's just straight out awesome. You won't be disappointed.

I know I'm a little behind on some of the books and shows, but hell they're new to me and I like them so deal with it. This is almost like blogging from beyond the grave because I'm typing this on Monday before I leave for my cruise but y'all won't see it until...whatever day it is where you are right now. It's weird and I'm easily amused.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I (may) Have a Soul!

I promised I would do something more positive and share with you some stuff I like instead of just stuff I hate, plus you'll get to learn about me! Fucking exciting riiiight? 

Puffy Cheetos & Apple Juice - are my blow

Big, scary houses - there's one Killa and I pass on our way to St. Augustine that. is. AWESOME. There's a balcony that demands standing on in a flowing, white nightgown beseeching drivers for help to pass to the next world.

Compact things - cute little house, tree houses, trailers. I enjoy the idea that there's just enough's weird in here (pointing at my head)

Turrets - I NEED a house with a turret.

Spiral staircases - preferably leading up to my turret from my tiny house.

Boxes that look like books - I like to play Queen of Redundancy and put a book in my book box.

Hating things - this is totes cheating, but I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I couldn't hate on things; Tom Brady, the New York Yankees, lovebugs, my roommate, the sun, people who say 'supposably'...I think you get it.

Weird ass movies - this started with an accidental viewing of Slither and has escalated into Killa and I seeking out weirdo B movies. The newest edition is Dagon which you should watch and join me in tweeting weird hashtags so I look less like a #dumbbitch on Twitter.

Weird ass books - Stephen King and Jack Kilborn are sick bastards, but I love those twisted motherfuckers. Read Trapped. Now.

SingStar - It's like karaoke. Only you don't have to get dressed! The wine is cheap! and it's ALWAYS your turn!

I think that's adequate. I don't want to ruin my hater street cred by seeming human. 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Things They Need to Hear Thursday: "Why am I Your Friend?" Edition

Over the Christmas holidays I spent an inordinate amount of time with my best friend (The Pretty One) and basically I just spent a lot of the time wondering why things aren't different. I mean, I love her to death and I don't mean for any of this to be offensive; it just boggles my mind how little she's changed since I met her. I know it hasn't been that long, but I still thought there could be a marked difference in how our nights out go. The times we spend hanging out, just the two of us, always go really well and do a lot to make up for the ridiculousness that happens once we get in public. 

A few days before Xmas we decided to go out to a local bar (read: NOT a club) to just hang out. I had told my mom and my aunt they should meet us there when they were done with their wrapping extravaganza. Then I learned that my high school boyfriend (TheSemen(and cliched first love that I can't seem to quit)) was in town visiting and was out with Eye Candy and Alex (who gets no nickname) so I told them they should come by too. We had a regular reunion going on; TheSemen was about to throw up, Eye Candy was wasted, and The Pretty One was making sexytime eyes at everything with a penis...just like old times. 

Eye Candy and Alex left. Then, some random guy walked over to the table to hit on my mom (yes, this happens a lot). He kept introducing himself ("I'm Tim") every 12 seconds and, honestly, it was completely irritating. My mom and my aunt decided to flee (lucky bitches) and I was back where I always am: completely sober, trying to keep TheSemen from puking on himself and The Pretty One from fucking anything (you know that song from The Sound of Music about solving a problem like Maria? That's my life with The Pretty One only with trying to keep her from being raped or raping). 

Now it was just TheSemen, The Pretty One and me (like Rainbow Connection!); plus this drunk, redneck mofo and his friend he called over. So, I've got TheSemen in the parking lot throwing up and these two assholes (Tim and Tom(seriously)), and The Pretty One being all white girl wasted. TheSemen and I come back inside to see that Tim & Tom have relocated to our table and The Pretty One is leaning on Tim and he's got his hands down the front of her pants. We are in a bar. There are lights on. This isn't some shitty club with strobe lights and a DJ who won't shut up; it's a sports bar/restaurant. I am mortified. Then she switches to making out with Tom while Tim gropes her. IN A WELL LIT PLACE. I let her get her skank on for a while and just hang around with TheSemen.

After about two hours, she's making out with Tom and knocks over a glass. This is too much attention for my social anxiety so TheSemen and I go outside with her and her harem trailing. Tim is completely shit faced, but gets behind the wheel of his car anyway (I scope out the license plate # to call the cops if he actually intends on driving, that's how I roll). Tom gets in with him and they pull up in front of us. The Pretty One walks over to the car and leans in the window to mack some more on this nasty dude. He proceeds to PULL HER IN THE FUCKING WINDOW and take off. Not in a jokey way either, I literally had to chase them down and force them to pull over. I could not believe that was the thanks I got for babysitting her ass all night.

This got a lot longer than I expected, so I'll have to tell you more The Pretty One stories at a later date. Here is the actual TTNtHT "letter" to her:

Dear The Pretty One,

I wish I knew what your issue is; could pinpoint it. You know I love you more than most people, but still you baffle me. I know in high school it was the norm to hinge self-worth on whether or not a dude liked you back or not, but at this juncture, it is rapidly approaching sad. It is as if you have no sense at all of what is appropriate behavior for not only your environment, but your intentions. You have to stop being surprised when things don't go your way. You don't even nudge them in the right direction; you just barrel along until you hit that wall of self loathing and shatter, leaving me to pick you back up again.


Monday, January 2, 2012

My Parents are People?!

Does everyone remember coming to this conclusion? Like the time you realized your parents exist outside of just being your parents? People have said they've always known, but I don't think they have. There are many years in our lives where our parents exist (in our little minds) purely to cater to us. I mean, I knew that my mom's favorite color was orange and that my dad liked Jeff Foxworthy. That my mom loved that Lindz called my gramps "Pama" (after seeing a picture and being told it was grandma and grandpa; super cute actually) and that "In the Living Years" made my dad tear up; but I didn't know anything about them as people or why those things mattered to them. It's really only been in the past 3 or 4 years where I've started to think of events and actions more in terms of them having actual personalities. 

For example, I was sad when my grandma Josie sad as an 8-year-old seeing snow for the first time and with Christmas looming can be. Only in the last few years, though, have I seen that time as my mom losing her mother; and it paints the grief and the situation surrounding it in an entirely different light for me now than it did when I was 8. I consider it with a completely different world view and I see how devastating it was. My sister was born in August of 1999; for you math whizzes, that means my mom had probably JUST found out she was pregnant when it happened. I didn't know all that. I was a naive 8 year old. I'm not blaming my childhood self, but it's hard to not feel bad about not feeling bad, know what I'm saying? 
My mom loved that my sister called him Pama because she loved her mom and it was a way to have her memory around even if Lindz didn't actually do it on purpose.

Take my dad, now: he told me the story of when his dad died a bunch of times throughout my formative years. In a nut shell, his dad had a heart attack and went in the hospital. They spoke on the phone one night (my dad in Florida, his in New York) about his dad coming for a visit and everything. That night his dad had another heart attack and was gone. Just like that. Here today, gone tomorrow. I knew the story. I knew it was sad; but, again, only recently have I picked apart how jarring that must be. My dad and I used to have big, bickering fights (because we're SO alike) sometimes right before bed. No matter how mad I was, I HAD to get out of bed and go say goodnight to him. I never knew why. I think now maybe it had to do a little with knowing his story; I didn't ever want the last interaction I had with my dad to be screaming at him. I just can't fathom having someone just be gone and I think now I'm better equipped to empathize with that story when it gets retold, something I never would have fathomed being a youth. 
My dad tears up when "In the Living Years" comes on because it's about not seeing eye-to-eye with your father when you're young and when he'd grown up enough (to realize what I'm talking about realizing) he didn't get that time he thought he had to get to know his dad as a person.

I know I got a little heavy and talked about death; I hope my parents won't mind me sharing their stories. This is just something I think about often and sometimes express out loud, but never in detail of how I reached that conclusion...and yeah I cried while writing this post (I might have a soul. Don't tell)

Can anyone else remember when they figured this out? What prompted the realization?

 In the Living Years in case you don't know it. (Don't push play, dad!)