Thursday, April 5, 2012

I'm Gonna Write About Christmas Now That it's Easter, I'm Kind of a Hipster That Way

Forever and a day ago, before everyone stopped checking here because I never post, I told you about present opening protocol; at least that it existed. Well, today you're going to learn what the rules actually are, so that I'll have evidence for when later this year my whole family decides to act like a bunch of assholes during present opening. The guidelines are fairly simple and very rigid. The only person who should have trouble with this is me since I am stuck in the limbo between "kid" and "grown up" and yet I'm the only one who can handle it. 

Through the use of diagrams and my descriptive skill I will now paint a you a picture of the peaceful, fair Christmas I yearn for (when I was an only child, this was far easier).

First thing you need to know, the living room at my parents' house looks like this on Christmas Eve:

I know it's huge, it was either REALLY big or REALLY small (giggity). So, we're dealing with that room and a bunch of loud ass people all yelling and trying to get situated. Once everyone gets an ass in a seat, they inevitably turn to me and tell me to begin bossing everyone around. This would be great except that 10 seconds later I'm getting mocked and the little(er) kids are getting told to just open gifts. This would be fine except if you've ever told a young child/tween to "just do (something)" you know that they just gape open mouthed like you just spoke Mandarin Chinese instead of telling them to unwrap a bunch of free shit.

That's why my rules go like this:

1. The children hand the adults their gifts from them.
2. Once all the adults have all their gifts, each person opens one per circuit ONE AT A TIME. (this is the part that my family just cannot fucking handle) I spend a lot of time considering, purchasing, and wrapping gifts for every member of my family, I want to see their reaction god dammit! 
3. After we've completed sufficient circuits so that all the adults' presents are unwrapped, then the chillins get to go. ONE AT A TIME alternating between them so that everyone gets proper acknowledgement and so they can actually absorb what it is they've received instead of just moving onto the next like greedy little hooligans. 

BTW, circuits go like this:

[editor's note: MS Paint is hard.]

I simply cannot handle a world in which everyone just rips the wrapping off of every gift in 8.3 seconds, not even knowing what they got or who gave it them; that is not a world in which I will ever live. If you aren't patient enough for the system, I guess you don't get presents; sucks to suck.


  1. This made my day! It was even better than the duck I didn't know I liked. Very few people will understand what high praise that is but you will and that's all that counts. :)

  2. I hate Christmas. Everyone expects me to open my presents in front of them in order to see my reaction, which I see is something you like, too. Well, not cool. Sometimes people get you horrible gifts, and my reaction might be to vomit. Then what?

    1. Then you make them clean up your puke and stop inviting them to your holiday celebrations!

      I think I just saved Christmas.