Tuesday, August 14, 2012

You've Got a Friend in Me?

Hey there! Long time no blog. Don't worry, my family has given me enough shit about not posting to make anyone feel guilty. It's good that they're on my ass though or I'd never manage to get on here and say something and I really enjoy having this thing here.

Anyway, let's talk about my crazy best friend, The Pretty One, again because she has truly topped herself in whatthefuckery lately. When I first wanted to post this there had only been one bitchy incident, but now that I've waited so long there are 2! I can hardly keep up.

Allow me to set the scene:

  It is 3am.
  I am on a bench in Ybor City.
  I am absolutely schwasted.

Perhaps I should let you know what led me to this forsaken corner of my city and my sanity.

The Pretty One and I went to a male revue in downtown St. Pete, because...wait, I need more reason than MALE revue?? Uhm, $10 AYCD. Boom.

So we went and it was fun. I was far too short to really see anything, so I focused on my buzz. I said to The Pretty One before I started drinking: "Are you OK with being my DD?" She said yes and I was off. As an aside, let me tell you I am ALWAYS the DD and guardian for her and I find nothing wrong with asking for my turn to act like an ass in public.

After my desire to imbibe alcohol overwhelmed my desire to see gyrating men we retired to anther bar downtown where The Pretty One decided to just text strangers via the Skout dating app (if you haven't heard of this, congratulations. It is awful. People are cray.) rather than interact with me. Needless to say, I was ready to pay the tab, get some Taco Bell, and eat it in bed while falling asleep.

If only.

The Pretty One decided she wanted to go "dancing" (AKA find a dude to bone) and convinced me we should go find a club in Ybor to continue our evening. Recall that I'm already beyond feeling good and it's only 11pm. Red flag number one should have been that when we were getting out of the car and I was drunkenly laughing and whatnot and she said something pissy and I warned her if she was going to be shitty we could leave right then. Should have just left dammit.

We pay our way into a club, get a shitty overpriced drink, and she begins her "dancing." Not long after we leave that club with a dude. Go down the street to somewhere playing sweet music and grab a table. This is where shit got real. We're talking and I'm shouting because IT'S A GOD DAMN BAR and I'm drunk. The Pretty One starts to cry and goes to the bathroom. I walk out of the bar and pop a squat next to the building and promptly fall asleep...yes, I was 'that girl' and I am in no way proud of it. My first interaction with the public was someone who worked at the bar I was using as a cot. He was very polite and asked me if I was OK; I told him I was just waiting on my ride. Allow me to point out that I am directly in the line of vision of everyone walking on the sidewalk near this bar, there is no way that if someone had been looking for me they wouldn't have seen me. ANYWAY, the second run in was with a dude who woke me up and asked me if I wanted to get a drink with him (all I could think of was that scene in 40 year old virgin where they all say "TOO drunk" about the chick he's hitting on). His reasoning for why I should was "I'm a nice guy! I'm a Christian!" OUCH sorry buddy, but saying "I've only been to jail ONE TIME would have gotten you further with me than saying that.

The next time I wake up, it is 2:30am and the bars are letting out. I am convinced she has now abandoned me and I have a killer headache. I wander down the street till I find a nice secluded bench and I sit down to continue acting like an asshole via text to people who are in no way at fault for my miserable evening. A dude stumbles up and says "I need to make a call" and starts rattling off a number as he plops down beside me. I dial the number and hold the phone to his ear; this happened:

   Dude: "Kimmy! I can't find my car." *listening* "Kimmy! Kimmy! Kimmy! I'm in Ybor."
   *looking at his phone incredulously* "She hung up on me"
   Me: *shrug* "I'm sorry"
   *phone rings again*
   Me: "It's for you"
   Dude: "Kimmy! *listening* "A girl on a bench. She's very nice, Kimmy" *listening* "She's really nice Kimmy!"
   *turns to me* "She's calling you a whore."
   Me: *crickets*
   *phone rings again*
   Dude: *listening* "Yep. Mhm, yeah Kimmy, me and her. Right here on this bench. Mhm"

It was hilarious and the only bright spot in an awful evening. I wound up having to take a $60 cab ride home and I was not pleased. Around 5am I got a text from The Pretty One's mom asking if I was OK and if I needed her to come get me which means The Pretty One didn't get home until 5am because while I was sleeping in the mulch outside a bar my "best friend" was boning a stranger...I don't really have anything witty, it was just kinda messed up all around.

Well, it's been forever and I opened back up with this whale of a tale and for that I apologize. I hope some of you are still with me. If you're at all interested in hearing me bitch out loud in my own voice, stay tuned because someone might be putting me on the radio to do just that.

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