Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Mike Curse

The time has come for me to elaborate on the cruel joke the universe is eternally playing on me. The Mike Curse. It started out as a series of coincidences and quickly devolved into madness. Each dude gets his own color to help with the distinguishing; you’re welcome. Let’s just dive right in.

When I was 16, I started dating my first serious boyfriend. His name is Michael. I referred to him as ‘Semen’ in past posts. I never called him Mike in the 4 years we dated. Always Michael.
Fun facts about the first Michael:
  • He hates seafood.
  • He’s in the military.
  • His only other job was stocking dairy at Publix.
  • His middle name is James.

The first guy who asked me out after the Semen and I broke up:
  • His name was Michael
  • He hated seafood
  • He was a retired Navy guy
  • His middle name was James

What the fuck, right? Now maybe you’re thinking this was a one time thing; a funny coincidence. You would be wrong (I wish you’d stop doing that).

After the Semen:
  • There was Dusk (not Michael; doing good right?). He was also in the Navy.
  • There was a freezing cold night of snuggling in my trailer (what’s got 2 thumbs and keeps shit classy? This bitch) with a Mike I worked with at Subway.
  • There was a one date thing with a guy named James who was in the National Guard (military men? Yes please!).
  • Then there was Old Mike. He’s a retired Army guy. His middle name is Jay…Making him Michael J number 3 for those of you keeping track.
  • There was a very drunk evening with a guy who’s middle name was Michael*
  • Then there was a glorious break with the advent of Kent. He appeared to be completely removed from every aspect of the curse; then I learned that his specific job at Publix was stocking dairy.
  • The weird motherfucker of ‘Breakfast Date’ fame? Also named Mike.
  • The guy I met up with later that day? Yep, Mike.

Someone’s just fucking with me at this point, right?? I mean, is it even possible for all these coincidences to happen to one person? Now, it used to be a joke in my family that I couldn’t bring home anyone named Chris (I have an Uncle Chris, a cousin Chris, & a ‘married to my aunt’ Chris) or a Nick (I have 2 cousins named Nick). While I have had my run-ins with Chris’ and Nicks (2 Chris’ and a Nick) none of them have stuck like this ‘Mike’ bullshit. I’m officially tied with the Chris thing just by myself! Everyone has replaced the Chris jokes with the “haha Brianna is dating ANOTHER dude named Mike” jokes; I’ve single-handedly changed a family joke, this is not a proud moment.

My kingdom for a cool dude not named Mike!

*This is only remarkable because on that night there were 3 chicks and 3 dudes, destined to pair off, and I wound up with the one guy in the group with Michael in his name. What the actual fuck?!


  1. But... how about if he was a rich Mike? Or a PRINCE Mike? Certainly it would seem like less of a curse then. ;)


  2. Ew. It's quite unfortunate that you couldn't be cursed by a better name. The Sebastian curse would be much more exotic.

  3. @Lorraine: I could definitely overlook the unfortunate name if any of those things were true! BTW, I've been obsessively reading and sharing your Sweet Valley High reviews and I want to thank you (and the other crazy "Snark Squad" ladies) so much for the phrases "ho suspension' & 'cray cray' My life in infinitely better because of those. Also, fun fact, my middle name is Lorraine :)

    @Jason: I WISH it was something more exotic than Mike. Although, if I was hanging out in places where exotic men named Sebastian (or perhaps Marcus? I've always liked that one) happen to frequent, I probably wouldn't be having these problems...where do they hang out?!