Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Things I Hate About Gainesville

I wanted to call this post "Tuesday Hangover," but I don't want any of the 3 people who have ever even seen my blog to get the wrong idea.

Today I thought I'd lay out a few grievances in case anyone is batshit crazy enough to be considering even visiting this place.

1. People here cannot drive. I come from a place with an insane amount of REALLY OLD people who make you want to gouge your eyes out when you see 'em cruisin' at about 8 mph with only their blue hair visible over the steering wheel. I learned to drive with all that foolishness, and I still think people here are WAY worse. I have pictures. Check out this parking job in the lot of my apartment building 

You will notice that I color coded the arrows like on a traffic light just in case you couldn't tell who was wrong here.
This was not early in the morning. This was three in the afternoon. Which means a sober person parked like this, got out of their car, looked at it and thought to themselves "yep, that's how that should be." Are you shitting me? Now you may be thinking this is an isolated incident. You'd be wrong (again). In the SAME apartment parking lot, I found this gem last night

Seriously? I don't even get it. It's like when all these bitches learned to drive, the people teaching them said "Those white lines are just a suggested way of doing things; you keep marching to your own drum, Kyle." Holy shit balls. 

2. Pedestrians here are complete assholes. Their brains are too busy crying over how much the Gators suck at football to figure out what this symbol means.

It means DON'T FUCKING WALK, ASSHOLE. They step right in front of your car without looking while talking on their phones. I hate them. One of these days, I'm going to hit one. And I'm not even going to feel bad. 

Essentially these 2 things boil down to the realization there is no safe mode of transportation here...and that, apparently, I'm 80;because I essentially said "kids these days! With the twitter and the music and the Dawson's River kids sleeping in each others' beds." (yes I took that last bit from 10 Things I Hate About You. Ten points if you recognized it.) 

There are more, but I don't want to be a negative Nancy ALL day. So I'll help you out and say you should go read Oh, Noa because that shit is fucking hilarious.

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