Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Bri Reads Cosmo

OK, so this post has taken me forever! I think it was worth the wait. This post will introduce you to exactly what it's like to be my friend or be related to me. This is the kind of shit I am constantly bitching about (loudly) to whoever will listen (read: whoever I provoke). It's funny, but it also makes me all sad/mad when I realize it's 2011 and this publication still exists and more people aren't hating on it. My biggest gripe is always "where is the menfolk's guide to 8,000 ways to not piss women off?" This magazine is always chock-full (I accidentally typed 'cock' the first time; how Freudian of me) of advice that always reads to me as "101 Ways to Assure Your LTR is Completely Unhealthy." So, without further ado, Bri reads Cosmo:

Adele is amazing and should be on the cover of everything...but Cosmo makes me Hulk angry

This magazine is marketed to adult women, right? So, WTF is with asking Joe Jonas' opinion?

The way to Joe Jonas' heart is through Will Ferrell's ballsack

JJ: "I can't bone 'cause there's too much pink in here; butch it up, hoe."

Because YOUR comfort is the most important thing about MY house

Seriously has anyone ever been denied sex because they had pink decor? I think not. Joe Jonas is talking like he's never actually been invited into a woman's space...maybe that explains it.

Shit is right.
Is this kind of arrogance really 'the dream'?
there are no words.

I didn't realize I had so many castration methods at the ready until I read this.

The idea that real people said these things to other real people and they're still capable of walking is sad. I'm not sure if we're supposed to think that speaking to your significant other like they are gum on your shoe is hilarious or what. 

Even Cosmo doesn't know what the hell it's talking about. On page 131 they tell us we should cover up around "our guy" because god forbid he view you as an actual human; you're supposed to be a sex kitten/goddess that is always wearing sexy lingerie and constantly ready for sex! Then on page 161 they change their tune; the article is titled '20 Reasons to be Naked this Winter,' six of which involve getting naked in front of that very guy you're supposed to cover up for. Cosmo is mind fucking me and no matter how many tips they have, I still don't like it.

Anyway, all my roommates and their significant others are out of town tonight. This is the greatest thing ever. Last time I thought they were all gone 1 walked in and says 'oh we aren't going to leave until tomorrow now' I was extremely sad about that. This is the only time I get to be in the living room without being forced to watch whatever shitty weed documentary or make small talk with the sketch-ass people that are always filing in and out of here. I've forgone pants, moved the table and couch closer to the TV (so that I'm typing this on our huge TV!), and am making buffalo chicken dip. I've gotta get back to this amazing and (way too) rare evening of being completely alone; The Big Bang Theory is waiting. 

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm not doing Things They Need to Hear Thursday tomorrow, because I'll be driving then eating and I'm still working on a TTNHT post for Mondi (who is awesome).


  1. I pay a crapload in rent just so I can have the comfort of knowing that I can walk around with no pants whenever I feel like it. My husband doesn't seem to mind.

    Also, yes. Mondi = awesomesauce.

  2. Cheers to no pants! They're the worst. Cosmo is loaded with immense amounts of bullshit that we just absolutely love to read/believe. It's really unfortunate for us delusional women. Also, thank god Adele is on the cover. That girl is a fucking fox.